reflections on commuting, city planning, and life pre-COVID

do you also miss walking down the street unabashedly with your headphones on, blaring your main character soundtrack? or is it just me?

prior to COVID-19, i liked to ride the bus. even though my retail job was just a short shared ride away, i would leverage opportunities to take public transit if i had enough time. i don’t drive (yet) and with the way transit is set up in my city, a bus ride often requires you to still walk a decent amount to get to your destination. this was the part of the journey i enjoyed most, as i’d be in my own world.

there’s nothing like walking around freely with your headphones on and your chosen soundtrack playing blissfully as you embody being the main character of your own story. or losing yourself in your favorite podcast, simultaneously daydreaming and feeling like you’re a part of the live studio audience...both of these moments are why i’d often opt to take my lunch break outside when weather permitted. something about sunshine and lush grass that thoroughly activates my imagination.

now, riding the bus feels too precarious for me in a state that left COVID regulations too open to chance and interpretation. as someone who lives with OCD, i’ve experienced an increase over the last year in the amount of mental strain required to constantly calculate the risks of any action/task/errand/interaction. so i’ve had to be very patient with myself and not overwhelm my sensibilities.

collectively, this year has been a time of hardship, grief, FOMO, and disbelief, which we must fully recognize to heal. we are still in the midst of an unveiling and it’s helpful to extend grace to ourselves and others. i hope you give yourself permission to feel all your feels — as conflicted, complicated, or unresolved as they might be. i’m telling myself the same.

amidst financial circumstances, i’ve also retreated away from the city and temporarily into the suburbs with family, where i’m grateful to be but walking in the park requires a drive there first. they don’t really put sidewalks out this way.

i’ll leave you with an unfinished (?) poem i wrote during a bus ride a couple years back. i unearthed it from tumblr drafts as i had forgotten all about it until now.

ode to transit (limited)

packed so tightly

and we’ve all got somewhere to go

this vessel moves ever so slightly

and we’ll all jerk forward, becoming less aware of what’s below

the woman who everyone has to squeeze by makes a face

that makes me giggle and smile

there’s a whole bunch of us

just standing in the aisle

of this bus, holding on dearly in the middle

and i’ll never know why you allowed her to stand

when she’s got too much luggage

or a baby in her hands